Return of Wherefore art thou Eric J. Hedlund?

It's been a busy week. Let's see, I'm sick. I have a cold. My throat problem appears to be back, but I've been ignoring it for weeks -- it's pretty bad now so I'm off to the doctor tomorrow. Dad gets his one year oncologists report tomorrow.

Last night, I saw the Trans-Siberian Orchestra with Evan and Brenda, their kids, and Adrian. Actually enjoyed it. For their second year running, they opened the show in Sunrise, Florida. It's a bit early for a Christmas show. WHAT? CHRISTMAS? Yeah. But that's not why I go, though I truly don't mind it. I love the second half where they do rock-based classical music. That's how I discovered TSO.

Codey, a 17 year old kid, who I never, but knew on-line, died this past Sunday. I won't go into all the details but it's not fair. Life isn't fair. A great kid and we need more people like him. I'm remarkably sad considering I never spoke to him, only had a few IMs, and basically knew him via email and/or forum posts. Friendships aren't defined like they used to be.

In a previous post I wrote about Unca Eric which was actually a follow up to a 2004 post I made. A few months ago, I decided to track him down a few months ago. I found out he left his job in Taos (see that previous post). I knew some of his friends names -- met them once so many moons ago -- and through the power of Google and my persistence I contacted PL and EW -- who both had no idea how to get in touch with him. E-mails to all known addresses bounced. I had given up.

Then, suddenly, there were new posts in his blog. Yay. YAY! I wrote him through the LiveJournal internal mail system for its members, figuring there was no chance of contact whatsoever. He wrote me back! I felt some really nice, sincere, deep joy. I realize none of my blog readers will care, but I do. Eric meant a lot to me -- in a world of mental midgets he was a rare mental giant I could talk to. I respect him.

Wherefore art thou Eric J. Hedlund?

So, every now and again I like to check up on my "missing" friends -- you know the people you lost contact with but you wish you hadn't. I guess it's sort of nostalgic. There aren't that many that I've lost touch with that I wish I could reconnect with, but there are a few. One, Eric, was just an amazing person. I really liked him for all sorts of reasons. I met him when he was around 14 or so and I was in my early 20s (here's a picture).

He ended up, last I checked, as the editor of the newspaper in Taos, New Mexico. Every now and then I'd go check over there, read some of his articles, and feel a little more connected. I sent an email to him a few months ago and it bounced. Then I found a notice saying that he'd left the paper because he decided to leave Taos entirely. So now I've lost contact. I feel surprisingly saddened by this -- despite the fact I haven't spoken to him in many, many years. He hasn't updated his blog in over a year.

A few years ago one of his friends e-mailed me as a result of this blog, so I thought I'd post this here in the remote hope it happens again. Eric's not the only one I think about, but he's one of very few. I miss Dee, but sadly, she's dead. There were some other people too, but I've managed to reconnect with them via e-mail and/or IM and such (Randy, Carey, for instance). I don't count the people I've tried to reconnect with but have met with reluctance or resistance (Josh, Rob H).

Friend Test Analysis

In yesterday's post I posted the "friend test" which is both amusing and revealing at the same time. A number of my friends have taken it as well as some people I don't know quite as well. I assumed the better the friend, the better the score, but clearly this isn't the case.

Since I was able to control the questions and answers, nobody who knows the least bit about me should score below 50% because if you've ever read my website you can get 50%. If you've visited my website and visited my blog regularly, you should get around 70%. To get past that mark you'd actually have to know something about me.

Let me say, I'm pleased at Jose's score because not only did he get the highest score so far, he e-mailed me to correct one of his answers which would have put him at 90% -- out of a possible 95% since one question I don't expect anyone could answer right except by sheer luck (the people group question). I expected he'd do well and he did.

I've learned something from this: for the most part, the people I expected to know me really well, don't -- and the people I didn't necessarily expect to know me so well have done better than I expected. A score of 70% is where I expected my friends to start in, but that hasn't happened. I'm not sure if I should be upset, sad, distressed, disappointed, or what. I don't want to call out names because I don't want to embarrass anyone.

If you don't want to use your real e-mail to register, you can use Guerilla Mail's disposable e-mail addresses -- they're great for that.

Also, if anyone is a member of: Orkut, MySpace, FaceBook, LinkedIn, NHLConnect, or StumbleUpon, feel free to add me to your contacts. Expand your network.

Friend Test

I've created this test for my MySpace page, but it supposedly works in a blog, so I'll try it here and see if anyone tries to take this test or not.



I will pass no further commentary at this time.

More on Friendships and such

This must be my favourite topic, because I've written about it often enough. Well here's another rant of sorts:

I despair for the future -- not my future, but that of the world -- because I find younger people can't have intelligent conversations for the most part. They think they're intelligent to be sure, but they can't talk about a whole lot except in a cursory fashion. Even when I was younger I found people able to have deeper conversations. Maybe it was just me and my friends, but I don't think so. I think people are getting less intelligent as time goes on.

I've tried repeatedly to engage some of my friends in intelligent conversation but it fails, repeatedly. And some of these people are supposedly smart. They seem smart, they act smart, but if you try to talk to them about anything that requires a thought process, reasoning, and an ultimate conclusion, you're in trouble. I can usually terminate any conversation with a "... but why do you feel that way?" because they just can't answer. I understand that sometimes you really can't answer that question, however mostly you should be able to answer it. If you're having a reaction to a situation, you should know why you're reacting that way, what it is you're feeling, and you should be able to talk about it (or say "none of your damned business" or "I do not choose to share").

Because I don't want to make these aforementioned friends feel bad, I'll leave their names out of this blog post on the off chance they one day read this post. Among my older friends, there are some who can have these discussions (whether or not they choose to do so and with whom is a different discussion) and there are some who can't. But the younger the friend, the less likely they're capable. I know it's not age related because 20 years ago I had friends in their teens who could have these sorts of discussion without any problem. I'm not sure I can name anyone under 25 who can and that's bad news for everyone. I know the thoughts are taking place -- it's a human condition -- but the skills to relate them are gone. Vanished without a trace. I have no explanation for it but it saddens me and makes me feel, well, lonely.

Let me use one person as an example 'cause I know he won't come here and read. There's a guy named Josh and we were really good friends for years. We used to have lengthy, involved, interesting talks that were amazingly complex, detailed, and enjoyable on many levels (the subject of which are confidential as are all my conversations with friends). He's in his mid-to-late 20s now. We're not even friends any more but that was his choice. He may be one of the most brilliant people I have ever met, and I get frustrated because he's wasting his life. He should be running the world and instead he's just another employee at a national retail chain. He might be the only person I'd admit is more intelligent than me. (That sounds so egotistical I've almost offended myself, but it's true. I'm amazingly smart and I think he's smarter. I think I need a bigger box for my ego.)

To be fair, most of my friends are smart: I think I said that in a previous post, or maybe I didn't. I don't suffer fools gladly and I cannot stand morons. Smart and Intelligent aren't the same thing though. And although the people I hang out with are generally smart, they're not all necessarily intelligent, though most certainly are. Of course they all think they are but thinking something is true doesn't make it true. It's just really weird and I'm having a hard time expressing it here, but then again I am aimlessly ranting.

I was going to make a point here, but if you're intelligent you've got it figured out. If you're smart, you probably haven't. If you don't know, well that's a different story altogether.

Shyness

Let’s discuss being shy today. The definition from Wiktionary is: to avoid due to timidness or caution – which will do for our purposes of discussion.

I think shyness is by definition a very personal issue -- at least it is for me. There are many types of shyness, but there is a common denominator: preservation of ego or self-preservation. I think that’s where it starts. You’re shy because you don’t want to be humiliated, embarrassed, or hurt. Being hurt sucks.

Am I shy? Those who know me well say “no” – but that’s just not the case. I’m very shy. To use an obvious example: I have very few friends and over the years I've been losing them at a faster rate than I make them. I can count the new friends I’ve made in the past ten years on one hand. I’m talking real friends – someone you interact with on a semi-regular basis in person or on the phone -- which means Internet buddies don’t count. We don’t need to discuss if they’re good friends or not – that’s a separate issue which I discussed in this blog entry: Friendship.

As for myself, I am really, really shy around people I don’t know. Once I know someone I become less shy. But that can take a very long time -- measured in years or decades. I’m not pathologically shy. I can go up and meet new people in limited situations, for instance in a business context. But if I see someone I think I’d like to be friends with because I think they might be interesting, I won’t go up and introduce myself. I’m not even sure if I’d know how. The times I’ve taken the initiative are very, very few. In fact, I believe the number is two (I am currently friends with neither). On-line sometimes I can send an e-mail and say “hi” but even that’s not easy for me and it rarely proceeds very far.

Are some subjects too private, but not others and is this related to shyness? Hell yes. I won’t even discuss them here. Sex, romance, friendship, relationships, etcetera are the main private topics, and of course the “what makes me tick.” Why? Because people can use that information to hurt you. But those things I am less shy in discussing around some of my better friends. However I never, ever discuss these topics in groups. These are one-on-one topics to be discussed between me and one other person.

I go to neither the beach nor the pool because I will never, ever take my shirt off for anyone other than my doctor — not even my family. I know it sounds freakish but that’s how I am. I can’t believe I am posting this, but it’s a true fact about me. It gives you one more reason to ridicule me. I haven’t been to the beach in years, but that's just because I’m not into salt water. I miss the pool though. I realize that I could go and leave my shirt on. In fact, I know someone who does that, but that’s just a bit weird for me: sort of like going to a nude beach wearing clothes.

And speaking of nude beaches, that’s somewhere I can assure you that you will never, ever find me. Can you imagine being on a beach with all sorts of people, some attractive, some not, and then seeing someone you fancied and (being a guy) having your dangly-bits rise up to be noticed. I’d be forced to kill myself on the spot. No thanks. Talk about the ultimate in humiliation and embarrassment. It's like a high-school locker room all over again. Man, did I hate that.

My shyness isn’t weight related either. I am not fat but I am not thin. Maybe 20 pounds overweight — a bit pudgy I suppose. I’m not sure what is causing it but it ain’t a weight thing. It ain’t a personality thing. It just is. How sad and pathetic does this make me. This is probably the most personal post I’ve ever made in this blog and I’m not sure if I will keep it or it will vanish, but here she stands.

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Friendship

My semi-friend (ex-friend?) Josh said we were doing something this morning and, as usual, he neither called nor e-mailed leaving me sitting at home with nothing to do. (And I even sent a follow up e-mail to remind him.) He’s stood me up a number of times, and that’s pretty much what led me to thinking about friends and such. He’s an example of how not to be a friend. I like him but he’s poor friend material because he treats his friends like shit and that says a lot about his character or lack thereof.

I have a number of people who are friends but not Real Friends. I am sure all of you can make sense of that. Why don’t I have many Real Friends? Probably because I do not suffer idiots gladly. I expect very few things out of my Real Friends but “few” doesn’t mean “easy.”

I expect them to be intelligent and to be able to have an intelligent conversation about lots of different topics. It doesn’t matter if it’s books, politics, movies, religion, current events, or the theory of relativity. There’s many more topics too. It’s just that for a friendship to work it needs to be intellectually stimulating.

I expect them to be reliable – getting let down sucks. My friends let me down less than my family, a sad state that probably explains more about me than I’d like. That’s probably why most people I deal with never become more than casual friends. “Yeah, I’ll call you tomorrow*” and I don’t hear from them at all. I understand that sometimes things come up, but there’s this device called the telephone and it works great. Even an apology after the fact works. It’s the repeat offenders that piss me off, like Josh above.

I expect loyalty, which is where I lose most people, because most people don’t even really understand loyalty. It’s easy to be loyal to someone when you agree with him.her, but it’s hard to be loyal when you don’t. Let’s use an absurd example. If you found out your very best friend killed someone in cold blood for a reason you couldn’t accept, would you turn him/her in? If you would turn him/her in, you’re not the kind of person I’d be good friends with. There’s nothing wrong with your position, but it’s not a mindset I can deal with.

And then there’s trust. Trust has to be earned you know. It’s a slow, arduous process that takes aeons. Sometimes you get lucky and there’s a seminal event that pretty much proves someone is trustworthy, but that’s rare. Sometimes you just take that leap of faith and trust someone without evidence, but that’s really hard to do. The older you get, the more jaded you become -- reality does that to people -- and the harder it is to trust someone. Sad, simple fact of life there.

Think of your deepest, darkest secret. Who could you tell and they wouldn’t change their opinion of you? Who would you tell? This doesn’t mean you have to say anything, but think about it. It’s a great mental exercise. I think if you look in your heart of hearts, you will find most of the people who call you “friend” would change their opinion of you if you were gay, a murderer, a jewel thief, or whatever. Everyone has a secret, but some people’s secrets are darker than others. Honestly, I don’t mind sharing my secrets with some of my friends but I am extraordinarily selective about it.

If I actually had to count the people who meet all of these qualifications I might get to three if I’m lucky and thought about it hard. The number has decreased over the years because I haven’t made a lot of effort to replace friends. I’m lazy like about that.

Wow, a personal insight on me.

* That isn't the same as "I'll try and call you tomorrow."

(As a corollary to this, someone asked me what would happen if I found out one of my friends was a racist. That's a good question, but I doubt we'll ever know. The odds on anyone who's a racist ever becoming one of my friends is so remote as to be not worth considering. Are there intelligent racists? Sadly, yes. However there are so few, the odds on me coming across one is minimal. Further, the odds of someone who thinks like that ever getting remotely close to me is laughably low.)

Jack And Bob

This is an old, old, old joke from my Boy Scout days.



Two friends-for-life, Bob and Jack, lost touch with each other during boy scouts when one moved away. By chance, they ended up in the same college.

They decide to go camping for old-times sake and to renew their friendship. On the appointed morning they drive into the mountains, park their Jeep and walk down a trail. Not long after, they pass a ranger station, but they keep going.

Pretty soon they're miles from anything and anyone. They see the ideal place to set up camp and proceed to do pitch the tent, and dig a campfire ditch.

Bob says, "Jack, I really gotta' take a whizz. Be right back," and heads off to the edge of the clearing. Bob starts to do his business.

Suddenly Jack hears Bob let loose with a really loud scream and runs over. "What happened, Bob?"

I was taking a whizz and a snake fell out of the tree and bit me on the end of my dick."

"Oh, man! That's terrible." Jack whips out his mobile phone to call for help, but there is no signal because they're too far away. Being ex-boy scouts, he knew that having Bobby walk back to the ranger station could kill him by making the venom flow faster though his blood stream. "I'm going to go to the ranger station and get help. You lie down and don't move."

Jack runs as fast as he can back to the ranger station, but it takes him nearly an hour. He beats on the door but nobody's there. He goes around back and breaks a window, hoping to find a phone inside. It's Jack (and Bob's) lucky day, for there is a phone. He picks it up and is almost instantly connected to a park ranger. He explains the situation.

"Sir, that sounds really bad. Can you describe the snake?"

Jack describes it.

"Oh, that's REALLY bad. The fastest we can be there is two hours because we're on the other side of the park. Your friend doesn't have that long. You gotta' cut a small slit where the snake bit, suck out the venom and spit it out. We're on our way as fast as we can."

"I gotta' do what? I gotta suck what?" Jack gives the ranger directions, then heads back to camp where he sees Bob, who isn't looking too good now.

"I'm sorry Bob, I've got bad news."

"What?"

"The ranger says you're going to die."


Okay, so that's the joke. It's old, it's funny, and you've probably heard it before in some form or another.

Now, here's a test question for those of you guys brave enough to answer publicly. If it was your best male friend, would he live or die? (I will not approve anonymous posts. You gotta use your real name if you reply to this one.)

Reasons some friends suck

This is, in theory, a follow up to an old post: Lost Friends*

Someone asked me what exactly I meant. So let me explain it here. This is probably far too personal to post on-line, but what the fuck. I'm in a mood right now. Maybe I'll delete this after a few days. We'll see.

One day, for whatever reason, you become friends with someone. I don't mean acquaintance, nor do I mean a typical casual friend. I'm talking a full a deep friendship with someone you care about and assumedly cares about you back. Most you probably know what I'm talking about. If you don't, the rest of this post will be pointless to you.

As with all good friends you share all your most intimate details -- both ways, of course: that's what share means in this context. You do things together, you talk, you go places, all the things friends do with each other alone and in groups. And then, suddenly, you never hear from that person again without warning. There are no calls, no e-mails, no IMs, nothing. You call, mail cards via snail-mail, letters (e-mail and snail mail), send IMs, anything in an effort get a reply but nothing. Maybe you get a "I'll call soon when I have time" or some platitude if you're lucky, and because you're a sucker you believe it.

But it's a lie and it stabs you in the heart like a knife. It kills you inside slowly. Years later you still look at the person's website just to get a little taste of his/her life that you are no longer a part of -- and you don't even know why or what happened or anything at all. There, now you can all laugh at some aspect of my life that is truly pathetic. Have fun.

(*In deference to this person I will leave his/her name off this post. Their name is not included in the original post either because even I am not that brave. Maybe I should be.)

Online Friends versus Offline Friends (Real Friends?)

So, today I was thinking. I do that sometimes, you know? Most people call everyone they know online "friends" but are they really friends? I don't think so.

I have people I've met off-line, I know them off-line, and I socialize with them off-line. These are my "friends" and they are to some degree or another my friends. Some are good friends, some are casual friends, some just this side of acquaintances, and a precious few are Real Friends. I may interact with them on-line by exchanging e-mails or some-such but they are primarily off-line friends. Some have moved away or never lived that close but we do visit sometimes and occasionally talk via telephone.

I have some people I've met on-line that have become the type of friend I mentioned in the above paragraph. I say this because a reasonable amount of interaction with them is off-line. They belong in that same group. In fact, these friends may be better friends than those I've met off-line (TO, PJ, JM). Nowadays, I really try not to allow on-line friends to become offline friends because, frankly, there are too many mental cases out there. That's not to say it hasn't happened (WJM being the most recent). Oddly, when these types of friendships collapse (and like all friendships, sometimes they collapse instead of drift away) they seem to hurt more.

Then we have the on-line friends. Some of them I've even met once or twice, but we don't have that social interaction. I have lots of these folks -- more than half on Usenet or on various message boards. They don't know too much about me (and even that is possibly more than I'm comfortable with) and I don't know too much about them. What we really are is acquaintances. What we have is not really friendship. But the word "friend" is bandied about quite readily, even though it's simply inaccurate. I'd list some examples but there isn't space and invariably someone's feelings would be hurt so there's no point.

There are some on-line friends I'd like to say I'm not acquaintances is with (RB, RF, for instance) because I really feel like I am a part of their lives. We exchange holiday cards through the mail (as opposed to the grotesquely impersonal digital variety.) If they wanted to come to my home, I'd certainly invite them. If they asked me a favour, I'd certainly consider helping them much as I'd help any casual friend. I call these people "friends" and I mean it. It's hard for me to believe it on some level because I've convinced myself that these folks aren't real friends, but sometimes they are.

I've been toying with posting a edited version of a longish essay about friendship I once wrote here. Would anyone actually want to read it?

This is where I'd normally make a point, but I'm not going to type it. Make your own conclusions -- post a comment if you'd like. Link here and share this with your 'friends' -- maybe at some point I will edit this post and make the final statement I had.

Lost Friends

Well, maybe a little serious post here. I've been thinking about friends that I've made and lost over the years. People naturally come in and out of your life. That's just how things work. Sometimes we work harder on some friendships than others, sometimes we deliberately break some friendships, and sometimes death happens. Still, when you work at a friendship and it fades away, sometimes you experience regret and/or pain.

So, I decided to list some people here and talk about them. Maybe they'll even read this, but I doubt it.

Eric Hedlund. Of all the people I can think of, this is probably the most frustrating. But when only one person does the work, it can't last forever. I can honestly say I'm really, really, really glad he was part of my life, albeit for too short of a time. So many things could have happened, Some things, I suppose, were never meant to be. But it still hurts. So there.

Dorothy "Dee" Swansburg. In this case, sadly, death happened. She died too young (34) and too soon. :(

David Parisse. I even went to the trouble of finding him not that long ago, he wrote back even. I wrote him back and that was that. Not meant to be. Another decent guy. I hope he's happy :)

Steve Bernacki. I just lost touch with him. It was sad. Ever think in the back of your mind, you'd have been really good friends with someone if it just was given a chance?

Rob Henning. Psycosis on AOL back in the day. I don't know why I liked him, but I did. He was just one of those really cool guys. Someone told me he was dead but I can't imagine 'cause he was so young. He vanished without a trace.

There are lots more, too, but I just picked a random sampling. There are people I'm friends with whom I wish I were better friends with -- that list could go on forever. There are also people who aren't in my life anymore and I'm really glad. When things are looking up, it's easy to be friends. I'm leaving all the names off this part lest the involved people get embarrassed and/or pissed.

When things are down you know who your real friends are. I am very fortunate to have people like that in my life. These people are honestly good friends. I wish I had more, and I wish I were even better friends with the ones I have because you can't get too much of a good thing.

So there. A serious post. Happy?
(Some minor updating edits to this post made 1-11-06)